“Our Lord, perfect for us our light and forgive us. Indeed, You are over all things competent.” [Qur'an: Chapter 66, Verse 8]
We all wish to marry and settle down with a comforting partner in our lives. Especially women. They begin to hope and dream of a husband usually during their teens. The budding desire to have half our deen completed as soon as possible is quite strong in women. Women want to have a spouse who practically makes her life incredible with each passing moon, and kids who make her home a heaven. Truly, which woman wouldn’t want a picture perfect family in her life?
Every female wants this dream. And with this desire, comes a pressure for many Muslim females i.e., getting married at a youthful age. That’s right. While men do not deal with this pressure, many women do. The younger, the better.
On the other hand this tradition often leads towards too many low self-esteem points for single sisters out there who haven’t found their other half yet and feel like they are either forever alone or forever destined to be single.
Soon, they begin to develop serious depression as they watch their friends and even younger peers get married. Many are even left feeling like their youth is wasted if they are not married while they are young.
This article is penned down as a gift and advice from one single sister for her other single single sisters out there who are feeling down and need help to see the light of iman. I hope that you can gain wisdom from this and beat the obstacles to being productive, as Islam inspires us to do.
Identify the Negative Thoughts That’s Bringing You Down
The first and most foremost step is to realise the basic things that disturb you regarding your single marital status. Then using Hikmah, overcome that notion with a highly productive and halal thing in life to turn your sad days into blissful ones.
I have listed below major thoughts that come to mind and lure us towards negativity. Hunt them down, sisters – with antidotes! – before they hunt you down.
1. What good I am if am not married in youthful age?
2. Oh! What would become of me if I cross 25! I’ll get even older.
3. How will I enjoy my life if I am not married soon?
4. Oh no! What would my relatives say! She finished her studies but she’s still not married?!
5. Why has Allah (glorified and exalted be He) put me through this?
6. I have to hunt a husband soon or I’ll be too old to get married one day.
7. Am I not pretty?
8. I am a failure…
9. Maybe I should give up the hijab!
10. And so on…
If none of these thoughts have ever crossed your mind, Masha Allah and Subhan Allah, congratulations on your firm belief in Allah (glorified and exalted be He) and His works.
But if any of these thoughts has crossed your mind, be alert sister! You are suffering from a state which paralyses your soul and halts productivity in beautiful Muslimahs – Muslimahs who probably can make a good difference in this world or someone’s life. Remember, shaytan’s greatest enemy is the soul that is most pleasing and dutiful to Allah (glorified and exalted be He), so he tries to dishearten you and spoil your life.
This is where you need to be wise and patient. For Allah (glorified and exalted be He) orders in Qur’an, “Say: “Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us; He is our Protector”. And upon Allah let the believers rely.” [Qur’an Chapter 9: Verse 51].
6 Antidotes to Negative Thoughts & Sadness
1. Dedicate your youth to Allah (glorified and exalted be He) if a husband hasn’t come yet.
The reasons for not being able to get married yet can vary, but just because marriage hasn’t come to you yet, it does not mean that your youth – or your whole life – is wasted, sister. If you regret losing time in waiting for a spouse, then turn the tables by dedicating your youthful single days to Allah’s cause and obedience.
This way you won’t feel sad nor regret losing beautiful days. In fact, if Allah (glorified and exalted be He) is with you every day, what have you lost? After all, among the seven who would be provided shade under His shade on the day is the youth who grew up worshipping Allah (glorified and exalted be He). [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
2. Start a noble project
You’re only young once. Would you really let it slip away while you mourn over being single, or would you rather do something productive for the sake of Allah (glorified and exalted be He)? Once again, turn the tables over and start an amazing project. Let this project be one that is beneficial for both your present time in the dunya and the akhirah.
Maybe you could start on a noble project that you can pass on to your children and further generations as legacy. One idea is to produce a copy of handwritten Qur’an using beautiful calligraphy. I’m sure you can think of many more ideas!
3. Don’t pay heed to what others say. Allah (glorified and exalted be He) is your Protector and Caretaker.
I know that family pressures tend to bubble up and make your life unhappy. In the words of someone I interviewed for this article, “It’s not easy with these destructive relatives; but I focus on what I have, not on what I do not have, and definitely not on others’ opinions about me. But you know how it is – their words do get to you in a painful way and you can’t help not getting affected by it. So allow yourself to be upset but pick yourself up and simply move on. That’s how I do it.”
Remember that pain is just a state of mind. You can think your way out of everything, even pain. Try not to involve yourself in arguments, avoid the company of negative people, be wise and exit an uncomfortable situation politely. And if you feel burdened, pray, “Our Lord! Lay not upon us such a burden as You did lay upon those before us.” [Qur’an: Chapter 2, Verse 286]
4. Know you’re special and were born with an aim in this world.
We are special, sisters! The special creation of Allah (glorified and exalted be He) with an aim in this world. There’s nothing wrong with your face or mind or hijab or your nose to be honest. Our life, though filled with not-so-pleasant moments sometimes, is a gift from Allah (glorified and exalted be He). We’ll always be tested. There will be tears but there will also be laughter and love. You have the right to live your life however you want it to. Marriage isn’t something you can force. Trust in Allah’s plan for you and be strong.
5. Take the education route.
Take advantage of the time and freedom you have and invest in education. It could be a language course or a degree. Don’t miss out on the time. Make Hazrat Aisha (may Allāh be pleased with her) your role model and pursue education with noble passion and zeal. She is considered one of the great female scholars in Islam. This is your opportunity to educate yourself in the best manner for the sake of becoming a good educated mother and a wife in the future, In sha Allah.
6. Know that there has to be a reason why Allah (glorified and exalted be He) has chosen this for you.
To believe in Allah (glorified and exalted be He) requires total faith in His Actions and what he wills for you. Try to sit alone for a few minutes and talk to your soul. Then reason with your heart and inform your nafs that there is a reason why Allah (glorified and exalted be He) has chosen this situation for you.
Maybe He desires that you fulfill a very important task in life for His sake, so He decrees that you stay single till you have achieved that aim? Or maybe He wants to reward you with something great and this ordeal is a test for you. So make istighfar as much as you can, and make dua to your Lord to grant you victory and peace and fill your heart with serenity and love. Then make lots of dua for your future spouse’s khair.
And always say, “O My Lord, Whenever you wish for me to be married, let it be for good and happiness”.
Some Final Words of Comfort
If you wish to recite dua from Qur’an, take refuge in this verse: “And those who say,”Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” [Qur’an: Chapter 25, Verse 74]
If you fill your heart with love for Allah (glorified and exalted be He) and His Rasool (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him), I can guarantee that all these hurdles and troubling thoughts concerning marriage will perish and you will see yourself as a productive Muslimah who is making a difference in the world of Allah (glorified and exalted be He).
May Allah (glorified and exalted be He) be your Light, my Light, our Light. Ameen.
Author: Pervisha Khan | Productive Muslim
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